EVOL Wanted

For as long as I can remember I have wanted one thing more than anything else in the whole world. It's a common thing really but it has evaded me. It's slippery and illusive. While I thought I had it a couple times always came to believe what I'd found wasn't authentic. It seemed as though I'd always snagged a replica and not the "real thing." I found some really good replicas too. When you really really desperately want something you'll believe in it until you can't unsee the mark that tells you unequivocally that you're still empty handed.

After long enough you wonder if maybe a replica is just fine. Who needs the real thing anyway? But that's the rub.. a Want has nothing to do with need. It's a wish your heart makes and no matter how hard you bargain or compromise or settle, unsatisfied want will just sit there and keep staring you right in the face amid chaos, pain, joy, celebration, and denial.

I started early and have been trudging through on this misguided quest my whole life. In elementary and middle school it made me question my self-worth and value. In high school it made me insecure, guarded, and sarcastic. In college it made me desperate and too easy to win over. Then in all of my adult life since it has made me a people-pleaser, taught me to bend, abandon my own needs, be resentful, stay quiet, and redefined loneliness. It lead me to make questionable decisions that hurt me and people I really cared about. I always acted with the best of intentions but I have made a mess of this quest.

For as dominating as it has been in my life, this deep and profound unsatisfied Want of mine has always been pretty vague. Not in intensity, but in definition. The longing is sharp and clear but the object itself is so broad it is hard to see and know exactly what it looks like. The desire for it has kept me tethered so close to it that I only ever get a micro view of it. It makes it hard to identify it with my eyes but my heart kept telling me that I'd know it when I FEEL it.

The experience of wanting it so badly reminds me of dying to go to Disney World. You know there are incredible magical experiences that await there but from the bathrooms inside the gate you can't see the whole park and can still only imagine what it looks like and how incredibly satisfying it will be to get beyond the bathrooms and experience the magic.

When you're dying to go to Disney you take the ads and commercials you've seen and insert yourself in those scenarios. You daydream about the fun you'll have, the exhilaration you'll feel, and the joy you'll experience. Standing in front of those bathrooms at the front gate, all of that possibility and potential lies just ahead of you. You can't see it all but you know it's there and even if the part you can see up close isn't that impressive and smells a little like shit you know it is still worth the pursuit your wanting inspires. You are tantalized by what you imagine comes next.

That's the thing about Wanting isn't it? It ignores the reality of Having. The having isn't the satisfaction you believe it to be. Satisfaction comes from the alignment of reality with expectations of what you imagined would come next. Expectations are much more difficult to satisfy than an object we can conveniently concentrate our wanting on.

Without an understanding of this subtle distinction it can be so confusing when you finally get passed the bathrooms and realize the actual experience is long lines, too many people, blisters from so much walking, and not nearly enough fun, exhilaration, or joy. It can be so disorienting to get what you want only to find it doesn't satisfy the Want at all.

I've stood at the bathrooms. I've even gone all the way in, rode the rides, ate the food, and sat in Cinderella's pumpkin. But when all I found there was puke in the glass slipper I didn't think "Huh, that isn't what I wanted." I thought, "Fuck! How did I end up at Story Land instead of Disney World without even knowing it?"

Wanting is tricky and easily fools us into thinking our disappointment is an indication that we just haven't gotten it right yet. It convinces us that we can still go to Disney World we just have to pay attention to the signs better and not think we are in Florida when we are in New Hampshire. But the truth is that it doesn't matter where you are. Having and Getting is no guarantee that your expectations will align with the experience of actually getting what you want.

I have spent 36 years of my life on a completely misguided search with expectations that were not defined by any experience whatsoever. The experience was supposed to be the surprise I thought. Just find the right one and then experiencing it will be the fun part. The prize for all your searching.

I'd love to say that the point of this entry is that I've finally figured it all out and I've secured the happy ending that proves I'm right about all of it and finally found what I was looking for and it was there all along I just had to work through the hard parts to see it.

That is not the point of this entry. The point of this entry is to say I was wrong. The point is to say it out loud and face the reality that the story I've been telling myself about this epic quest my whole life is pure and utter bullshit. What I really want is not at all what I've actually been looking for this entire time.

Love is what I have longed for. A human to love me is what I've looked for. A human not just to love me but to adore me. To look for me, see me, celebrate me, and love the experience of doing that over and over for a lifetime. I thought saying it out loud would jinx it.. or more honestly I thought it would make me look pathetic and weak.

I am not pathetic or weak. I am tired. I'm jaded. I'm scarred. I'm burned out. And it was recently pointed out to me I have a griefcase of issues that I've collected along the way and tow along with me everywhere I go. I'm normal and I don't have the heart for this anymore. That doesn't mean I don't still want it. That doesn't mean that I have lost all hope that one day I'll get to finally satisfy my longing. But it does mean I can't live like this any more.

In the most recent entry of this blog before this one, I talked about vulnerability and it being the key to everything and how I really wanted to make an effort in writing again and how I wanted to be raw and open and honest.. That was nearly two years ago. The thing I didn't say in that entry was that I was alone and epically heart-broken because I was one month into a separation that would end with a divorce 7 months later.

In the two years I've taken to write this next entry, and even in the last two weeks, I have realized that I've wanted love and instead of figuring out how to manifest that, I focused all of my time, heart, and energy into finding a person that would just give it to me with an expectation the rest would just work itself out and the experience of that would be the magic that would satisfy my longing.

In her new book "Atlas of the Heart" Brene Brown reiterates a definition of love that rings so true for me. She says "We cultivate love when we allow our most vulnerable and powerful selves to be deeply seen and known, and when we honor the spiritual connection that grows from that offering with trust, respect, kindness, and affection. Love is not something we give or get; it is something that we nurture and grow, a connection that can be cultivated between two people only when it exists in each one of them- we can love others only as much as we love ourselves. Shame, blame, disrespect, betrayal, and the withholding of affection damage the roots from which love grows. Love can survive these injuries only if they're acknowledged, healed, and rare."

I will likely always have a longing to grow romantic love with someone I adore and who adores me right back but I can't keep searching for another person if I want to satisfy the wanting I have always felt driven to find.

For 36 years I’ve been doing love backwards. Ive been searching for someone else to give it to me when I would have found love in me if I’d have turned that search inward.

As this Valentine's Day comes to an end I am committing to be my own Valentine. I'm going to start treating myself like someone whose heart I want to win. I'm going to go to great lengths to make myself happy. To take care of myself with tenderness and thoughtfulness. To make me a priority. I am going to put energy into treating myself the way I would want the human I searched for to treat me. I am going to hold that space for someone that might come into my life and want to cultivate romantic love with me by setting an example of what love that exists within me to look like.